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Write a letter to yourself for 6 months from now
Hi Six Months from Now Me.
It’s difficult to write to you not knowing if you will exist. Often every day feels like the last day of my life, and I am just ever so upset whenever I wake up.
I wish I were dead.
I wish I were a different person.
Why didn’t God kill me last night?
Often are the things I say right when I wake up in the morning.
I’m so angry I didn’t do it the night before.
I’m so angry.
But right now I am in an alright state of mind, with the concept that a future might exist somewhere out there for me. However I can’t guarantee this mood for the next few hours, perhaps the next few minutes even. So, I’m just going to say a couple things until then.
I am a fucking mess right now. I’ve said things I’ve never said before in these last three months. Completely hypocritical and self absorbed things. I’ve been much more mean and hurtful to myself and to my favorite person more than I have ever been. Otherwise I have virtually detached from everyone else. I wouldn’t say I’m crazier than a few years ago, but I will say I am much more hateful and angry. I feel stuck in a body that’s not supposed to be mine. I’m supposed to be capable, I’m supposed to be able to finish things, my personality type dictates that. But here I find myself in bedlock over and over again, overwhelmed by anything and everything. Taking reality at doses that seem too high for me at times. Too many people, too many animals, too many noises, too many tastes. I feel I’m always on the edge of making a fool of myself, and I fall off that end too often. Then somehow falling of that ledge equals the end of the world, despite the drop usually just being a few inches. The end of me. I understand it’s not, and I do everything I can to prevent that. All I can keep repeating is:
I’m a piece of shit
I’m a piece of shit
6 month older me- Am I still saying that?
Honestly, probably.
But this doesn’t help anything. Thanks OCD for letting me know every single fucking day.
Every year I claim I lose something. I don’t truly lose it, I don’t think. I mainly just let it go because I have to. I wonder now if these were the right decisions. Do I get anything back in these six months? Is it a good idea to do that? Should I lay low? I don’t fucking know.
Six months from now me. I’d like you to be able to figure out that you found some guidance. I want you to try and stay busy, try and stay relevant. Because when I don’t go anywhere I find myself saying the same stories to the same friends, not having new experiences, and just feeling very dull. This is unlike me, but not entirely exactly- lately I have been absorbed into reality tv and youtube drama; not participating of course. It’s almost shameful? Or at least according to my beliefs. I feel as if I am getting out a part of me that urges for mental stimulation, feeling above someone else, boredom, and superficial anger-resolution (like the Kardashian Show, and Catfish). Obviously it’s short lived and only perpetuates my own anger. But I can’t help but understand that it is helping me, and it’s getting hard to rip away from myself because it’s so easy to do and it’s everywhere. So I made another fucking Day Zero, that might be more effective in making myself actually do things to stay busy and relevant, that’s more about me and my education than other people’s trivial lives.
In six months all I hope to find is the beginning of a path, the beginning of something. It’s hard to believe that that that could happen. But perhaps exploring these things will help a little.
I have six months, this will be my fucking blog for this
Completely personal, dgaf about anyone else
This month’s six month things I decided will be:
Write a letter to yourself six months from now
Play Dragon Age Inquisition
Read You Can’t Win by Jack Black
Finish Flash-Back Self Portrait Project
Read articles/youtube videos about philosophical logic
Travel to Delta Ponds City Park
Learn about: American Congress
Learn about: The Supreme Court
Educate myself: Bill Clinton
Educate myself: Ronald Reagan
Delete all unwanted images and text from social media
Reformat HTML for 27 Day Project
Reformat HTML for Dr.Donezo
Rewrite all of Dr.Donezo
Rewrite all of 27 Day Project
Write about what makes you smile
Write about a fear
10 answers on Quora
20 answers on Quora
30 answers on Quora
Make one or two friends on Quora
Make a new realistic schedule for blogging/etc.
Learn about the people; Congress
Learn about the people; Supreme Court
Grasp: Marx
Please do this for me future me. I begg you, even though it will feel stupid sometimes.
Love,
Kayla
It’s difficult to write to you not knowing if you will exist. Often every day feels like the last day of my life, and I am just ever so upset whenever I wake up.
I wish I were dead.
I wish I were a different person.
Why didn’t God kill me last night?
Often are the things I say right when I wake up in the morning.
I’m so angry I didn’t do it the night before.
I’m so angry.
But right now I am in an alright state of mind, with the concept that a future might exist somewhere out there for me. However I can’t guarantee this mood for the next few hours, perhaps the next few minutes even. So, I’m just going to say a couple things until then.
I am a fucking mess right now. I’ve said things I’ve never said before in these last three months. Completely hypocritical and self absorbed things. I’ve been much more mean and hurtful to myself and to my favorite person more than I have ever been. Otherwise I have virtually detached from everyone else. I wouldn’t say I’m crazier than a few years ago, but I will say I am much more hateful and angry. I feel stuck in a body that’s not supposed to be mine. I’m supposed to be capable, I’m supposed to be able to finish things, my personality type dictates that. But here I find myself in bedlock over and over again, overwhelmed by anything and everything. Taking reality at doses that seem too high for me at times. Too many people, too many animals, too many noises, too many tastes. I feel I’m always on the edge of making a fool of myself, and I fall off that end too often. Then somehow falling of that ledge equals the end of the world, despite the drop usually just being a few inches. The end of me. I understand it’s not, and I do everything I can to prevent that. All I can keep repeating is:
I’m a piece of shit
I’m a piece of shit
6 month older me- Am I still saying that?
Honestly, probably.
But this doesn’t help anything. Thanks OCD for letting me know every single fucking day.
Every year I claim I lose something. I don’t truly lose it, I don’t think. I mainly just let it go because I have to. I wonder now if these were the right decisions. Do I get anything back in these six months? Is it a good idea to do that? Should I lay low? I don’t fucking know.
Six months from now me. I’d like you to be able to figure out that you found some guidance. I want you to try and stay busy, try and stay relevant. Because when I don’t go anywhere I find myself saying the same stories to the same friends, not having new experiences, and just feeling very dull. This is unlike me, but not entirely exactly- lately I have been absorbed into reality tv and youtube drama; not participating of course. It’s almost shameful? Or at least according to my beliefs. I feel as if I am getting out a part of me that urges for mental stimulation, feeling above someone else, boredom, and superficial anger-resolution (like the Kardashian Show, and Catfish). Obviously it’s short lived and only perpetuates my own anger. But I can’t help but understand that it is helping me, and it’s getting hard to rip away from myself because it’s so easy to do and it’s everywhere. So I made another fucking Day Zero, that might be more effective in making myself actually do things to stay busy and relevant, that’s more about me and my education than other people’s trivial lives.
In six months all I hope to find is the beginning of a path, the beginning of something. It’s hard to believe that that that could happen. But perhaps exploring these things will help a little.
I have six months, this will be my fucking blog for this
Completely personal, dgaf about anyone else
This month’s six month things I decided will be:
Write a letter to yourself six months from now
Play Dragon Age Inquisition
Read You Can’t Win by Jack Black
Finish Flash-Back Self Portrait Project
Read articles/youtube videos about philosophical logic
Travel to Delta Ponds City Park
Learn about: American Congress
Learn about: The Supreme Court
Educate myself: Bill Clinton
Educate myself: Ronald Reagan
Delete all unwanted images and text from social media
Reformat HTML for 27 Day Project
Reformat HTML for Dr.Donezo
Rewrite all of Dr.Donezo
Rewrite all of 27 Day Project
Write about what makes you smile
Write about a fear
10 answers on Quora
20 answers on Quora
30 answers on Quora
Make one or two friends on Quora
Make a new realistic schedule for blogging/etc.
Learn about the people; Congress
Learn about the people; Supreme Court
Grasp: Marx
Please do this for me future me. I begg you, even though it will feel stupid sometimes.
Love,
Kayla
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